I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Terrible idea I love it
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
