Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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