she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
