The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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