If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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