remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
