Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Pants are for mortals
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
