Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
