tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
