she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
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Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
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I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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