it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
