I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Is it penis luge time yet?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
21 Times Karma Showed These People Not to Mess Around
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"