Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.