it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.