I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.