i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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