A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
