Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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