Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
