Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
