I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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