Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
