I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
