Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
