Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
