i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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