Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
