i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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