so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
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I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
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This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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