I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
