I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
