I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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