Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I think I just shit out all my problems.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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