why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Randomize
