Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
