Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
