my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
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for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
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