Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Randomize
