Is it normal to miss your booty call?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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