I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
