My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
this hospital has no fireball
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
