I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
