Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
