But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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