he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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