im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
