god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
