Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Randomize
