I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
