Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
