I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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