GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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