just survived the first fart of the relationship.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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