My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
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Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
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well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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