obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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