OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Randomize
