I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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