my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
