I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
