How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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