I could make wine with my vomit
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Be still, my beating vagina.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
