Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Randomize
