Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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